On Being A Non-Custodial Mom
Posted: Sunday, May 11, 2008
by Barbara Clark
http://www.spiritedstrides.com
For all mothers out there who have their children living with them, I hope you realize that being with your children daily is a tremendous pleasure and privilege that no one should take for granted. I know from personal experience as I am a non-custodial mom. I haven't always been in that role, but it is a title I've unfortunately "owned" these last seven years.
I'd be interested in what thoughts came to your mind in reading that? Perhaps you have met other women who are in similar situations. Perhaps you know women who were drug addicts or had their kids taken away from them due to child neglect. My situation is none of these. I am an intelligent, loving, healthy mom who has joint custody of her kids but for whom I feel the court system didn't serve my children's best interests. My children live 1,000 miles away from me. Unfortunately, it is a story that is more often being told in the United States.
My life as a non-custodial mom has been difficult, full of judgments from all kinds of people, lonely, and heart-wrenchingly painful for my children. There have been a lot of tears on all sides during these past seven years.
Although it has its challenges, being a non-custodial mom doesn't make me less of a mother. It took me some years to realize that. Intellectually, I knew it to be so, but psychologically, I blamed my actions (and inactions) for my non-custodial state. I lived with regret for awhile, but soon learned that I could be the best mother I could be by taking care of myself and forgiving myself for things I did or didn't do.
Upon reflection, it was the same advice I intellectually gave myself and didn't follow when I was a custodial mom, always doing everything I could for my kids, my husband and ignoring my own needs. How many times do we as mothers put everyone else's needs before our own? It's a common pattern with mothers everywhere.
My life as a non-custodial mom has been difficult, full of judgments from all kinds of people, lonely, and heart-wrenchingly painful for my children. There have been a lot of tears on all sides during these past seven years.
Although it has its challenges, being a non-custodial mom doesn't make me less of a mother. It took me some years to realize that. Intellectually, I knew it to be so, but psychologically, I blamed my actions (and inactions) for my non-custodial state. I lived with regret for awhile, but soon learned that I could be the best mother I could be by taking care of myself and forgiving myself for things I did or didn't do.
Upon reflection, it was the same advice I intellectually gave myself and didn't follow when I was a custodial mom, always doing everything I could for my kids, my husband and ignoring my own needs. How many times do we as mothers put everyone else's needs before our own? It's a common pattern with mothers everywhere.
My experience as a non-custodial mom and self-growth has led me to where I am now: in a position to serve other moms who are facing a similar situation or who are fearful of losing their children. While I was going through this, I leaned on a lot of other women who are part of a non-custodial mother's listserve group and met several women who gave me strength to move forward.
Now it's my turn to give back. If there are any other non-custodial mothers out there, I'd really love to hear from you. If you're moms who are blessed to be raising your children by your side everyday, I'd love to hear from you, too.
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More commentsBarbara, reading your article broughts tears to my eyes. I just recently lost well reached an agrement of custody with my ex. I felt like I couldn't win my case, the mediator couldnt come to a conclusion and said that we would have to go through an evaluation that would cost 6000-7000 dollars and take about 6 months for a conclusion to be reached so I caved. I couldn't find a a lawyer who was willing to help me and let me make payments to him after giving him a small retainer fee. The fact that I live in KY and he in California didn't help. He keep filinf declarations not sending ,me copies and the whole things was a mess. To make this story shorter he filed more custody modification papers 4 days after our last court hearing on 9/10 to totally remove me from my daughters life. I now poay child support and have to get insurance for her. I just need some help some support someone in california to help me...I feel som alone in this this, you have know idea, but then again I bet you do........Dear Nurse Fee, I am sorry to read about your current situation. And yes, I do know how you feel. There are others who may be able to offer support. Please feel free to send me your email information here and I can direct you to their site to join, You will find many loving, caring mothers who have gone through the same. Take care of yourself. I hope to hear from you soon. Warmly, BarbaraSince my last post, 4 days after the last court date, he filed more court papers seeking sole custody stating he has not been able to work with, and that I used bible scripture to threaten. My daughter was suppose to have been here for her winter visit with me and he claims he was to late to get her on her flight. Then he siad he would get her on a floight on Christmas day I have called him several times and he doesnt answer nor return my calls. I have not seen my little mini-me since April 2010. The holidays were hard enough being that I have no family here, but not to have my daughter here when we were suppose ti have been spending it together, hurts like the dickens....I can't even put into words how awful i feel. I cooked her the meal she wanted to eat when she first got here, and shopped for all her favorite for the time she was here only to be let down......I am tired of crying......felt like venting....thisis my email....selectivesista38 aol com...I wish i couldfind a support group ...especially during this time of the year....Hi, I'm sorry to read of your troubles right now. My heart feels your pain. I sent you an email message with a support group and an idea.
One word of advice is to document what is happening now. I would stick to the facts--pretend you are documenting it from an "observer" mode and leave out the emotion. No name-calling, just the facts with dates. If you've called three times today, say that in the email. Pretend you are telling the facts to a judge that only is giving you a short amount of time in which to state them. If you do so, perhaps he'll realize he needs to put her on that plane on Christmas Day afterall when he realizes you are empowering yourself by creating a paper trail.
Children deserve both parents in their lives and from what I've learned, the courts don't like it when a parent tries to interfere with visitation, so documenting the cases with dates, times and circumstances can be important later.
I know that doesn't bring your daughter to you, but know that there is a whole lot of support for you in the support group I've emailed you about. Warmly, Barbara
Yes It was helpful. I am glad there is a group for women like us. I lost my daughters in my divorce. My ex is a horrible man. He abused us. He is an alcoholic. He also cheated. He did this to seek vengeance for my leaving him. I was wife number five to do so. I am also the only woman to give him children.
He confessed to abusing us, drinking and cheating on the stand and in front of CPS and Red River. Its ironic that no one would stand up against him. The judge, my ex and his attorney have all conspired to violate my civil rights by committing ex parte communication throughout this whole mess. The judge also has a bias against women raising children and women who have been abused by their spouses. I feel too that this judge believes women deserve the treatment that they get by their ex's. My ex has had his friends break into computers to steal emails.
I played it their way by being quiet about it. I am no longer that. I have been speaking out loudly and very publicly about it. One day it will fall on the right ears for someone to do something about it.Your story pulls at my heart. I also lost my kids to an ex who is an abusive, alcoholic drug addict. I have contacted cps after a recent visit with pictures so horrendous, you would think they would remove them from his home immediatly.
I had to fight cps myself after my family called them in, repeatedly because they didn't like my new boyfriend. My sister made accusations that I lived in squalor and that my son had to do his homework on the kitchen floor. It was true that I was poor, that I didn't recieve child support, and that we didn't have much furniture. But my apartment was clean, neat and tidy, and that I took excellent care of my kids. I was involved in school, sports teams, took them to the library and read to them every night. I might not have been able to give them everything I wanted, but they certainly got what they needed.
Now my kids live in a house that truly is filthy, with alcohol containers everywhere and drugs and drug paraphanelia kept in plain view. My son does nothing but play video games and is doing poorly in school.
Instead of a court battle with cps I chose to let them leave the state and live with my ex temporarily because I felt that it was best to remove us all from my parents and the damage they were trying to do. My ex, and I seemed to be on the same page and he promised to clean up his act and put the kids first. Cps promised that this was temporary and that they had every confidence that my ex and I could work things out for our family together without involvement from cps, my family or the court. The case against me was dropped, my family lost their grip on my kids, and my ex was given physical custody while I maintained 50% legal custody, daily phone contact and visitation to be arranged by parents.
How naive I was. Things were fine until my ex got back together with his ex girlfriend who originally left him because my kids "were not what she had signed on for".
I flew out to see my children two months after they moved and my ex didn't pick me up from the airport and wouldn't answer my calls. when I did get to our home (I still own half as we are not yet legally divorced) it looked like a frat party had been raging there for months. It was unbelievable. I had no idea at the time that his ex was back in the picture. He called the police on me the first night I was there. Berated me and verbally abused me to no end for an entire week. All in front of the kids. He made a point of telling the kids repeteadly that I had left them, he told them how stupid the presents I had brought them were and the gifts that were recieved with joy and enthusiasm were tossed aside with scorn. It was a tumultous week that still gives me a panic attack when I think back on it.
I was thrown out of my house by the police the last night I was there with my children. Even thought it was also my home, and I hadn't done anything wrong. In fact I am sure that the police had to have heard me asking my ex to please stop yelling and swearing at me as they arrived. They kicked me out, didn't let me pack a suitcase, and yelled at me when I kissed my scared children goodbye. I got on an airplane without my belongings, and feeling betrayed by a criminal justice system that had failed both me and my children.
Cps, months later, has still not looked at those pictures from that visit.
It is funny how relentless hounding by my parents could get cps to investigate me for accusations of neglect that were fairly weak, but evidence of severe neglect, drug and alchohol abuse goes without any investigation at all. I contacted the office that had originally handled our case because they had done a hurried and inadequate investigation. They had claimed that they had never found any records on my ex, but I had been able to obtain them from police with one inquiry. Had this been brought to attention in August things might have been different. The said they can't help me because the kids are in another county now.
I am in despair. I rarely get to talk to my kids, and I have to call my ex's girlfriend to do so. She is now living in my house with my kids, calling all the shots. She is an uneducated cocktail waitress, who chain smokes and has already professed to not care about my children. Court documents don't protect any of my rights as a parent. I cannot get educational information about the kids because the school has blacklisted me. I cannot get medical info because their old pediatrician has moved away. Without a lawyer I can't get anywhere and after staying home for seven years to care for my kids I don't make enough money to survive and pay for one. I am stigmatized at every turn for not being the custodial parent, people automatically assume that I don't have legal custody because I did something awful, when in truth I didn't. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to walk through. My heart aches everyday, and sometimes I don't know how I will go on. It is hard to understand that this could have happened to us.I should add that I legally have visitation rights, but I am terrified to make another trip to see them after the last one. All dad needs to do is call the police and have me hauled away just for showing up and there are no firm guidelines in writing for visitation just " parents will arrange for visitation" . This basically puts me and and my children at the whim of my ex and his girlfriend. Was anyone else out there given such a ridiculous and vague visitation order?
I can relate I have always had my children since they were born. There father cheated on me and was never home or their for the two kids we had and was abusive. He had a child with someone else and disappeared on us. Shortly after a year after he had a child with someone else I moved out of the house and he saw them for a short while here and there but didn't really bother coming around to aften because of course at the time I had no idea about the other family. He also drinks and has no education or job. He won temperary custody in Warren, Ohio. I stayed in Ohio for a short time to have a shared plan, but needed to go back home to work to maintain my home in Arizona which I lived at with my kids for three in a half years. He is now refusing to let me have anything to do with my kids and he wont even let me talk to them or he will not answer his phone meanwhile he is going to be moving out of state and I may never be able to see them again! Ummm and the court does not care that this is going on. He called my daughter fat who is seven and she is no where close to fat and he is starving my kids and my son looks like a skeloton. He also swears at my kids and pushes them around in front of my face which he used to do to me. I have told their attorney and everyone I could think of and no one really seems to care.Dear KateKate, Do you have joint custody? You have rights (and your children have a right to spend time with their mother!). I would document in writing what is happening. I'm no attorney but I doubt he has the right to "refuse" to let you have anything to do with your kids. You might have to get really creative. (Family cell phone plan with your kids so they can call you when they want, for example). If your children are being pushed around and they tell someone official, (doctors, counselors, teachers, etc) something is supposed to be done. I suggest you get your own legal counsel to figure out what your next strategies will be. All the best, Barbara
I recently because a non-custodial parent. I had my son with me until the time he was 4 months old at which time i moved in with his father (who lives with his grandparents) so we could all be together more often and it would be easier when i returned to school. i stayed there for a couple months and couldnt handle it so i moved back in with my mom and he had emergency custody. when we went to court i could have easily won custody but i wanted to be fair and allow him to see our son as much as possible especially since he wasn't even a year old yet. so i decided to allow everything to be 50/50. this worked for a little over a year until i got married to a soldier. a few months following that he got notice he was being restationed 1/2 way across the U.S. so the current custody arrangement was impossible so it was brought back to court. he pulled all kinds of small things out and had false witnesses (people whom i had never met or seen before in my life). before the judge even listed to anything though she decided my son would not be allowed to move with me and my attorney suggested i come to an agreement with my son's father or i may only get 1 weekend/month with me doing all the traveling. i ended up with 2 weeks every other month, the other months only 4 days if 1 weeks notice is given and he agrees to the dates and every other holiday. so far this arrangement has been nothing but trouble as the agreement isnt specific enough so we often see it differently and cant agree on things, he has been come a lot more "stuck-up" like he is so much better than me. He doesn't work, or go to school, and lives in his grandparents home (who are the ones who care for my son). They don't have a bed time for him, he doesn't have his own room, he is on a pacifier still, and as of about 8 months ago still on the bottle. he is now 2 1/2 years old. My husband recently deployed so i moved back to be closer to my son and because i found out i am expecting another one and i cant do that traveling alone once im further along. i changed my career path so i would be able to stay home with my son when i have him and if i can regain custody of him, and so i can work to support him and do the traveling i need (since i can't find an employer who will give me 3 weeks off every other month!!)
i'm pretty sure if the judge had just listened to both sides of the situation i would have been able to take him with me.Dear Anonymous, Thank you for sharing. These comments are becoming quite a story in themselves, and hopefully a place of support as well. I know what you mean about judges. The judge in my case completely ignored a huge chunk of the evidence--didn't even address it in the ruling. I guess it was a case of selective hearing and reading....I've never understood that but have moved on, as I can't live my life pondering the "what if's..."
I wish you all the best as you spend that quality time with your son and expect a new addition as well. Thanks again for sharing. Warmly, Barbara
Dear Barbara,
I left a sexually and mentally abusive marriage in 2007. I fled from Louisiana to Texas with my two sons. They lived with me until august of 2009. I signed legal papers written by my ex's attorney giving me the school year and him the summer. He never gave it to the court. Instead he filed for full custody and threatened to take my kids away because I was living with my at the time boyfriend and pregnant. I was threatened into signing them over to him for the school year. Since then my children have had to go through a lot of frustration and he has been in contempt of a lot of things. Since then I saved up for a lawyer, got married and had two sons with my husband. Over the past year I have been in battle with him in the courts. The courts didn't consider my side, or any of my evidence. Instead they told me I was "causing trouble where none exists" and "mental" and I cannot financially provide for my kids because I am a stay at home mother and I depend on my husbands income, which is a lot more than my ex makes. They favored my ex, who has been alienating me and allowing his mother to inflict enmeshed behavior and incestuous behavior with them. He is allowed to with hold phonecalls and webcam visits whenever he pleases and there is nothing I can do about it. He didn't allow me at my oldest sons first day at kindergarten, he allowed his new wife to talk trash about me in front of the kids. The court told me I was the alienator. They were very anti Texas and biased. I had a good case, he was overcrowding them and had a total of 7 kids in his 3 br house. He had them sleeping four to a room. My home is a 4 br home and they have their own rooms at my home. I stay at home so I can provide maximum parental care. He pawns them off onto others.
Because I was in a mental home over 3 years ago due to his abuse, because I don't work, and because I live in Texas, the court saw fit that the dad should raise them.
For three years, I've been a non-custodial mother to my son. The pain has been overwhelming to myself & my child. I feel like I'm not alone when I hear other mothers speak out. May God bless you.
I would like to tell my story in briefe and get help with some emotions i am feeling. I was an adopted child from birth. The loving family that adopted was a middle aged couple whom I love very much. At a young age my father got sick and my mother was the only working parent. From the time i was age 9 I was always taking care of my father when he would have a sick spell. So most of my childhood was not well spent. When i was 16 I became pregnant with my son and at 17 with my daughter. I took on the responsibilities to be a mother and at the same was being physically abused by their father.
When my son was age 2 I left the father and mistakenly got into a emotionally abusive relationship. I was scared and emotionally withdrawn but sill stayed strong for my kids. When my father passed away a few years later I took on another role of caring for my mother who had diabetics and one leg which was taken from gang green. I felt obligated to care for her since i loved her and felt i was repaying the love and care they gave me, not being their own flesh and blood child. I also helped to take care of my aunt who was on oxygen for the last 10 years of her life. After 6 years of being emotionally abused and seeing what wrongs my ex done to my children I finally got the courage to leave. I struggled with my anger inside and the guilt i felt of the wrongs that was done to my children and turned to drugs and alcohol. I am not an angry person and i don't know how to deal with that sort of thing.
A couple years later I had a fling with a friend and got pregnant with my youngest son. My oldest was then 10 and my daughter 9. I thank god everyday that i had my youngest son because it was when i got pregnant with him I decided to give up everything(drugs and drinking). At the time i was not in love with the father and later on grew feelings for him and felt it was good for me to stay with him for my sons sake as i didn't want him to grow up in a broken home like my 2 oldest. The father of my youngest was 8 years younger me and took on the big baggage I had (2 kids and a sick mother) I commended him for that. But he was very childish,controlling and had issues of his own he wasn't willing to get help with. Me and him just didn't get along. I was very unhappy even though we were stable and everyday was fighting between him/me, or him/my mother, or him/and my 2 oldest kids. I just couldn't take it anymore. So i left him. He told me he wouldn't leave the house unless he had his son. I agreed to letting him take custody because one thing he was good at was being a great dad to my youngest and i knew that he would be taken care of.
Shortly after the break up my mom got sick again and fought 4 months with copd before she passed. Not only was i devastated at the lose of my mother and which she was the last of my living family. On top of the grieve for my mother and dealing emotionally that i had no family left, my ex became obsessive in his pursuit to win me back. This past year has been a living nightmare for me. I have been threw so much in my life, grow up fast, always making others happy and not myself, and everyone always telling me how to live my life or this is how i should be. I was dying inside/confused.
My financial situation had turned to an all time low. I am 33 with a diploma and 3 years of college and could only find a job (after 5 years of being a stay at home mom) at McDonald's. I tried so hard to keep up with the bills and when my oldest kids dad decided to quit his job I lost the child support i received for them. I have been looking for a job for the past year with no luck. At this time I have no friends or family to turn to. I cut ties with my friends due to them being on drugs and did not want to be part of that anymore. My only happiness at this time and really helped me emotionally was my best friend online. We have been friends for 2 years and during my emotional crisis and hell i was going through he has always been there for me to help me threw all this.
Now at the brink of being homeless with 2 teenagers, emotional and physically exhausted, and worrying so much on how am I going to take care of my kids because i have always taken care of them I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I then got a job offer from my friend in another state that was willing to train me and the pay was excellent with benefits. I decided to move. With my teens being 14 and 16 I asked them what they wanted to do. They was against moving because all their family was here. Inside i was crushed because all i want to do is make them happy considering their childhood was not pleasant and I still carry that guilt with me as i feel i put them in that situation out of my own fears of this man.
So i decided to give them the choice. My daughter has issues with her father and asked to live with her best friend. I have known them for 5 years and they have an excellent and stable loving home and was glad to take my daughter knowing my situation and i feel they would provide a better stable environment for her at this time, my oldest decided to stay his dad, and my youngest wanted to be with his father from the time we split and I knew he was well taken care off I decided to go.
I felt that I have never done anything for myself and needed to get this job so I can get on my feet and take better care of my kids. Emotionally and financially I cant be the mother i once was or should be. I have never really had a life of my own and yearned for that for so many years. My 2 teens told me they wanted me to find a life for myself and be happy and that i deserve this chance to do that.
Now i am dealing with emotions of leaving my kids behind on whether I am doing the right thing for myself as my youngest son father tells me i am abandoning my kids and that I need to be here, that my kids life comes before my own regardless if i need to get my life together. I secretly do feel inside that i need some freedom to recoup from my emotions and find out who i am to better myself emotionally and financially so I can be there for my children where as now I cant. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? I told my youngest sons father(my son is 4) That i need to go away and get my life straight. I would be back and forth for visits and call every chance i get, but he says that my son will hate me later on in life because i cant be their on a regular basis and that i will live with the regret. I am not trying to hurt my kids in anyway I love them with all my heart and would always be their for them in anyway i can. I am having feelings that i shouldn't go but if i stay I have nothing, if i go I may get the chance to do something with myself. Is it wrong to want this and be with the one you love, to help build a better future for yourself and kids?
Thank you for this article. I am a non-custodial mom of four. I have never done drugs, hurt my kids or drank. My ex didn't pay my alimony or child support so I was not able to provide much "stability" according to the judge. I was a stay at home mom for 14 years. This was all I wanted to be and do. I have had to recreate my identity and learn how to be a person without kids around. I do see my kids on every holiday--however, my question is: how do you handle the fact that it appears the kids have moved on? It feels like constant rejection.Wow, your situation sounds so similar to mine that it's almost eerie. That was me 4 years ago. The good news is that I have been able to move on with my life. I met a wonderful man, and have a little girl by him who is a true ray of sunshine. It is still difficult to be rejected by my other four children, and I still love them and try to talk to them when I can, although I cannot see them because my ex and his wife harass me to the point where I feel threatened when I am with my children, and the judge won't do anything about it. The stress they put me under has actually put my health in danger, because I pass out from that stress.
The thing is that you will never stop loving your children, and someday they will hopefully see the truth. You need to move on with your life for yourself, because if you do not, it can lead to a very deep depression, which I have also suffered. Good luck.
I was married young and pregnant almost the whole time. I have 3 terrific boys. My ex-husband was vicious, manipulative and both physically and mentally abusive to me. Our marriage blew open the day I finally dared to dial 911 and moved into a battered women's shelter with my boys. I was 23 years old, a stay-at-home-mom, never been a drug user or alcoholic, I've never harmed my children in any way. I found a job, and a place to live. Then my ex found us. He kept showing up inside my home, removing things, leaving things inside my car while I was at work and stalking me. I would call the police and they would say well ma'am, he's your husband, nothing we can do. He then took the boys and sent over a social worker who he was seeing (sleeping with) to make me sign papers saying I would not be attempting to take them back. His resolution was after me not seeing them for 8 months to park outside my home, with them in the car crying to let out to see me, with divorce papers, and if I would just sign them he would let the kids out of the car and let me see them; "we would work it all out". I signed them and it's the biggest mistake I have or ever will make. He remarried the next month and moved across the country. It has been seven years. I see them in the summers, thank goodness. I would go mad if I did not. But he still uses them to harass me, control me and manipulate both me and them. He moves states regularly and we talk about me moving to where he is but the minute I get ready to move closer he threatens to take them out of country if I do. Then he tells the boys how a real mother would move closer. If I fly out to see them I am disrupting their lives and if I do not I am a deadbeat absentee parent. Even their teachers have said as much about the absentee part. My oldest already talks down to me and challenges my love for him based on his father's words. The courts refuse to help as the particular state assigned to us tends to look down on non-custodial parents considering them to be "absent parents" without regard to the actual situation.
I am, after 9 years, expecting a baby soon. My ex has the courts referring to my unborn child as a "bad faith baby" with claims that I am having this child just to lower my child support payments and attempts to raid my medical records after I was placed on work restrictions. I am so tired of fighting just to love my children. Sometimes I wonder is it all in vain? Are they just set to resent me based on their father's words? Am I damaging them by seeing them or not seeing them not matter which way it goes? It is difficult to be a mother without daily contact with her children.
I've been a non custodial Mother since 1995. Sixteen years ago. Although I made the decision to give my ex full custody of my two sons (ages 5 and 2 at the time), it has been VERY hard on me. I am glad they grew up in the country, with my ex....but child support laws are archaic (I lost my higher-paying job almost 4 years ago and they kept my support at the same amount because of arrears although I make 50% less.....), my children are 5 hours away (round trip--I moved where the jobs are) and for 15 years I went back and forth every other weekend. Mileage? Hours driven? I haven't been able to make the trip the last year because child support is not leaving me enough money to keep my car in good repair and gas is so expensive.....so I'm taking the bus down in July to see them. I too have also been judged and even lost what I thought was a best friend, because of the choice I made. I can tell you this--when I lived with them full-time, I took them for granted. So, being non custodial may have actually made us closer. On this subject, as with any, no one has the right to judge you. Do they have all the information? All you can do is know in your heart that you did the selfless thing and that you love your children with all your heart.
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